the driver of my life.

9:29:00 PM

The last night I spent with you tangled up in the sheets, for once you pulled me even closer in you sleep. Somehow I think, subconsciously at least, we knew the next night would be spent alone.

Still true. Still bring me memories of that last night. And what came with it. The can't sleep, can't think, etc. Many things became tricks: gifts, places that reminded me of dates, my ride to work passing by his house. Sometimes I was having a great time with friends and out of the blue, something just popped out and reminded me of everything and all the doubts overwhelmed me again. So I faked it until I made it. I traveled, worked hard, told myself I was better off, and believed it until I was not consumed by memories anymore. Yes he crossed my mind from time to time, but now I wake up without anything leading to those thoughts again. 

Why this high drama you may ask. Well I had never experienced witnessing a lose of interest before. It started off a little, just sensing something was different. Things felt slightly off. Feeling it in his voice, eyes. So you think it's you. You are the problem. And you start thinking about eeevery single thing you said, did, even thought.  Wondering why, how, etc. and how to fix it. It starts with waking up to no text on the phone, excuses to meet later and less, calls become fewer, everything piled up. So it started tearing me apart, a new feeling I couldn't possibly cope with. It got me randomly at 3 AM in the car, at a dinner with friends, anytime and anywhere, it just struck me.

Now when I think back to all this I just see I took a little pause from being the driver of my life and let the situation have the remote control. I learnt to leave the past in the past and bury it (unfriend on fb, leave his messages unanswered) not giving a single second of my life to it. 

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