Mai una gioia

1:23:00 PM

Ooh baby it's a wild world! I thought that by putting myself out there, be casual and have fun I would de-stress from work and my drama episodes of “there’s sth. missing here”. Despite learning from past lessons, disappointment is still around in so many ways.

After giving up on the L (love, like, lust) for many reasons and becoming more and more “me & me” kinda gal, focused on work and my life and family, I finally gave onto other guys, who I had ignored for long because “they’re all the same so it’s all a waste of time and a distraction”. I dated a couple of guys, and thought about doing so for a while to see who was the best option and who would eventually make me believe this game is worthy. Boy I was wrong.

There was basketball guy, who I never took seriously but surprised me. Expecting some dull conversation I actually enjoyed his company. However he revealed his “player” side and this kinda hot-and-cold attitude that had me going a bit crazy, so once I got to know him more I saw everything was purely physical and superficial. Plus he didn’t really like the idea of an independent woman who is proud of working hard and being a busy-one with a voice too. Eliminated.

Then there was this football guy, whose red flags I chose to ignore. Why on earth I did that I don’t know. After a couple of dates, more red flags started to appear and despite warning myself and comparing him to my worst ex, I continued playing the game. Now it seems I started to care too much and I feel he is clearly multiple dating and having another 1st option, since he kinda started withdrawing (but saying he wants to meet again, wth?), so I guess I still have time to stop and finish the game before collapsing into some hard wall. Pending.

Then there is the option my friends want me to go for. This nice guy I met years ago in a work meeting but never saw again in person, and always mentioned him as “the cute journalist” I never got to know at all. What are the odds, we started talking a few days ago and he showed interest in meeting soon. There would be more chemistry if I wasn’t already a bit attached to Mr. Football (damn you athletes!). Of course you never know and should regard him as completely “nice guy” since experience taught me at the end all of them act the same. TBD

I may complain a lot and seem to be looking for a lot too, but truth is I gave up on this game long ago and I am just observing the field. Will I gain this kind of trust and expectations back? Will I otherwise find the fun in dating? It seems I turn down any one who does not accept my independence and my drama (which always follows me everywhere I go), passions and fears together.

"I will not be another flower picked up for its beauty and left to die. I will be wild, difficult to find and impossible to forget" Erin Van Vuren

Today I remembered how much I liked lakatwalk’s posts on life lessons and dating (I think she wrote them when she was my age now?) and had a look at one I specially liked, which inspired me to write this one today. Then I randomly selected one of the suggested ones after reading it, and loved the kind of “letter to my twenty-something me” style she had, commenting on how things that don’t work should be seen as a valuable lesson and sure they come with drama (always) but each one is more bearable than the previous one because you grow up and prioritize yourself more and more.


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